


i wish i were better

by orphan_account



Category: Given (Anime), Given (Manga)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Break Up, But they do break up, Established Relationship, Forgive my bad writing, Heavy Angst, M/M, Songfic, Sweaters, Yuki lives, angst is my lifeblood, based on heather by conan gray, not really but ???, uenoyama im so sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-05
Updated: 2020-07-05
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:07:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 653
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25085152
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Yuki’s voice is warm and brilliant and dazzling. It’s everything Ritsuka isn’t.
Relationships: Satou Mafuyu/Uenoyama Ritsuka, Satou Mafuyu/Yoshida Yuuki
Comments: 16
Kudos: 80





	i wish i were better

**Author's Note:**

> before you say anything, this is zen's fault, blame zen
> 
> [this tweet](https://twitter.com/mafucore/status/1279367617543729152)  
> [this song by conan gray](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GPUg7n8-M6o)

**me in your sweater, you said it looked better on me than it did you**

Ritsuka still remembers the day they sat together in their stairwell.

It was theirs. 

Mafuyu is holding his guitar and gazing out of the window.

 _He looks like an angel_ , Ritsuka thinks to himself.

Uenoyama catches himself staring before Mafuyu can notice and looks away. His hand instinctively goes to the back of his head. 

Winter’s coming.

Ritsuka is sure of it.

It comes slowly.

With each day, it gets colder. In the mornings, frost crystallizes on dewy blades of grass. The days shorten.

Snow begins to fall.

Ritsuka shivers.

Mafuyu notices.

“Ritsuka, you can borrow my sweater if you’d like. Winter’s coming, you have to be careful or you’ll fall sick.”

In the seemingly short duration for which Ritsuka has known him, Mafuyu has warmed up to him.

Like snowflakes that slip through your hands as soon as they fall.

Ritsuka nods and lets Mafuyu slip his sweater off and hand it to him.

It’s surprisingly warm given its flimsy appearance.

“It looks better on you, Ritsuka.”

Ritsuka casts a wary glance around the room.

He puts his arm around Mafuyu’s neck and kisses him.

_Around you, I can’t resist._

**i watch your eyes as he walks by**

Ritsuka hunches over on the pavement to tie off a stray shoelace.

“Hurry up, we’re going to be late-”, Mafuyu trails off abruptly.

“I’m coming.”

“Yuki?”

Ritsuka looks up and is met with Mafuyu looking at a boy with a head of faux blonde hair and several piercings.

“Mafuyu?”

He observes the exchange quietly and his eyes alight on the guitar case slung over the boy’s back.

He directs his gaze toward the sky and finds a bit of Mafuyu in it as well.

_What’s this strange nauseating feeling?_

(...)

“Hey, Mafuyu?”

“Hm?”

“Who was that?”

“Oh, that was Yuki, we were childhood friends but we had a falling out quite a while ago.”

It’s then that Ritsuka notices Mafuyu’s eyes.

They’re sparkling. Like sunlight bouncing gracefully off sheer seawater.

(...)

When he gets back home, the first thing he does is look up Yuki Yoshida.

He finds that he’s the vocalist in a band.

Yuki’s voice is warm and brilliant and dazzling. It’s everything Ritsuka isn’t.

_This feeling._

_It’s jealousy, isn’t it?_

(...)

It’s unsettling how Mafuyu’s eyes are brighter than any blue sky he has ever seen when he talks about Yuki.

**you gave him your sweater, it’s just polyester**

Ritsuka feels at ease.

Mafuyu is seated across him and smiling softly.

Distantly, birds sing.

“Mafuyu!”

Ritsuka is violently pulled out of his pleasant reverie.

Mafuyu shines brighter than morning but never around him.

Ritsuka hates Yuki.

He hates Yuki with all his heart and soul. 

He has no reason to.

Yuki is perfect.

He’s the incarnation of an angel.

Yuki’s the better that Mafuyu deserves.

Out of the corner of his eyes, Ritsuka sees Mafuyu handing his sweater to Yuki.

They smile at each other and Ritsuka feels something inside him break.

He hates how Yuki looks in Mafuyu’s sweater.

He remembers the time he wore the same sweater. Mafuyu had told him he’d looked better in it.

He remembers the faint traces of Mafuyu’s scent that still lingered on it.

He remembers the warmth. 

_It’s just polyester._

**now i’m getting colder**

Ritsuka thinks about it.

Yuki’s wonderful.

He understands why Mafuyu would like him better.

He doesn’t understand why Mafuyu is still with him.

It eats away at him. The thought permanently haunts the back of his mind. At one point, it’s feeding off his very being.

He wishes he were Yuki.

(...)

“You like Yuki don’t you.”

His voice is cold.

He was bound to say it at one point.

Mafuyu looks surprised.

Ritsuka pays him no mind.

“But I would do anything for you-”

“Are you willing to die for me then?”, Ritsuka whispers through gritted teeth.

**Author's Note:**

> leave a comment if you ahve anything to say! i would like it a lot!  
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/eitaful)


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